Don't Read This Book
by SaintHeartwing
Summary: There's a book that the head communications officer of the Massive, Senior, has found. An Earth book of spells and incancations with a wicked-looking dragon on the inside. Something about it gives him the chills, but he can't just tell the Tallest or Invader Zim his concerns about it. I mean, it'd be ridiculous! It's just a stupid book!...right?...right...?


**Author's Note:**

**In Celebration of "Enter the Florpus", which releases today, I've got a nice little Invader Zim story to share with all of you. Short and sweet, but I had a lot of fun writing it! Enjoy! :D**

* * *

Senior was not what you'd call an ordinary Irken, because unlike many, many other Irkens, he had inside him something special...

A conscience.

The metallic computer on his back, embedded deep in his body, the "PAK" as it was called, was designed to try and suppress negative feelings and desires towards the Irken Empire. The rather bug-like, green-skinned, black-antannae-having aliens who's leaders were just taller than everyone had their PAKs work hard to make sure nobody rebelled against the status quo. But the thing was...the "Superior Irken Empire" was stupid. Very stupid and very arrogant. They hadn't bothered to check to see if their PAK's anti-viral software or basic fundamental foundational mainframes were up to snuff. They'd just assumed that, since they'd conquered most of their would-be enemies and allies, what did THEY have to worry about people trying to infect or fiddle with PAKs?

They were wrong. Now there was a growing host of Irkens who were beginning to think different, and Senior, the Senior Communications Officer of the Massive, was one of them.

And he loved Earth, especially it's culture. He loved its art, he loved its music, he loved its movies, he loved its games. He could play them for a hundred years and not ever get bored. It was difficult, however, to sneak things from the black market that sold Earthen items onto the Massive if you weren't careful, and even MORE so now that the black market had had to pick up and move, and he hadn't found the new location yet.

So that was why he was standing not even at a secondhand store...but some dingy, pathetic-looking hole in the wall on the East side of Conventia, the Convention Planet. The place appeared to be devoted to secondhand items, mostly clothing and the like. Not that Senior needed it. Irkens only really wore one type of clothing depending on their job, and he had a communication officer's garb.

Black gloves, black boots. Faintly bellbottom-esque pants and a green long-sleeve shirt with a grey undershirt that slid up the neck, with a green "mask" that only covered the lower region of his face, with a communication officer's personalized headset, which wrapped itself around his head, the ends placed on either side of his "ears". His shoulder and arm sections were a darker shade of green than the "half mask" and chest and pants he had, and his eyes were also a beautiful and entrancing shade of green as well as he looked around the shop. The storekeeper, a faintly yellow-eyed, rather unfortunate-looking Irken, pled for Senior to look around and see if he could find something of use.

So Senior, feeling sorry for the rather run-down shop and the shopkeeper, peered about the shelves, the counters, the racks, and...he noticed something. Something that had a kind of magnetic quality to it. A volume of some kind, a book on a low shelf that was gathering dust. He plucked it off the shelf, and looked it over. It wasn't thick, that was for sure, and not tall in height either. It appeared to be bound in some kind of leather, but the leather of some sort of animal he didn't recognize. Normal Earthen leather was brown, most types were brown, this was...purplish/black and with an odd texture to it at that!

There wasn't any title or inscription, but there was an inch wide iron strap runnning completely around the book that kept it shut and locked, for a small, rusty iron padlock of antique design was hooked through a hasp where the ends of the iron strap overlapped. "Mind explaining where this came from?"

"Oh, it's from Earth, sir. A volume of the utmost rarity. I snuck it out of a hotel room. You see, the rpevious owner had vanished from his hotel room, and nobody ever saw him again. While the authorities were trying to decide what counted as evidence, yours truly snuck the book out because it looked so fascinating!" The yellow-eyed Irken said with a grin.

Indeed, there were actually quite a few aliens on Earth, Irkens included, and not just...ZIM. They were trying to eek out a living away from the typical issues that came with being in the Empire, and selling Earthen things to tourists or the like was a simple, easy way to do so. Especially since so many Earth people were idiots, who couldn't recognize when someone was an alien!

Senior opened up the book, the iron hinge at the back moving without much difficulty, and his heart almost leapt into his mouth. At the top of the very first page was Latin. An ancient language, a dead one, and he knew what it said. "Recipes and Conjurations, Volume 1". He'd been using Latin as a way to pass notes around the Massive to his dear friends who felt very much like he did, and teaching them how to read it. The Tallest, his bosses, sure as hell couldn't read it and neither could any of their loyalists, it was, after all, a filthy huuuuuuuuuman thing. Who gave a shit?

But he could read it very well. This book looked very promising. There were tantalizing headings. "To Be Invisible", "To Make A Demon Bring Three Bags of Gold", "To Make Three Women Appear in Your Room". Intriguing indeed. FLIP-FLIP-FLIP!

He flipped through the pages, looking at what laid within when he stopped, eyes wide at the picture that laid in the center of the book. It was a very well-painted, beautifully detailed picture indeed, and though the parchment of the book was faded, the brilliant colors of the hungry and somewhat small-looking dragon within were undimmed. Wow, the thing was U-G-L-Y, it ain't got no alibi, you ugly, hey-hey, you UGLY. Bright yellow eyes, wicked claws, green, mossy scales on its body, a thick red tail, curled around a rather horrific amount of skulls in the back-

HUMAN skulls. And one of them looked rather fresh, the others looked old, somewhat cracked or dusty and the dragon itself wasn't as thin as he'd thought, in fact, it sort of had a very faint bulge to its gut.

What if?...no, that was ridiculous, a silly idea.

...but still...

"Any...um...other books like this in your store? It says "Volume 1", I wondered if..."

"No, afraid not."

"Okay. Tell you what. I'll give you fifty for it." Senior offered.

Soon he was walking out of the store, and sneaking the book into the Massive under his shirt, feeling very satisfied as he headed to his room, looking through the book in his lovely white bedroom as he laid on his bed and rested his body on the comforter blankets he had. "Hmm." He titled his head to the side, examining it closely. He poured over the book for a good hour before returning to the Bridge, where the Tallest were waiting.

Uh oh. They had that look in their eye. Both the Tallests had thin claws sticking out of their gauntlets, they'd cut off their thumb when they'd become Tallest. They had big round chest compartments, a thin "stomach" region that was almost like a ribcage riding down from the chest to their lower bodies, held under a sort of "dress", or a robe. They were very tall too, Senior was a good six foot three, but the Tallest were six foot six. Red and Purple, named after their eye color and having armor coloring to match, were grinning evilly.

"We KNOW you snuck something onto the ship." Red said with a dark chuckle. "We caught you this time! Purple here actually noticed the bulge in your pants."

"...why were you looking at my pants?" Senior inquired, raising a nonexistent eyebrow up into the air.

Purple immediately blushed. "_That's not important_." He said quickly. "Although you've a **lovely** set of eyes. At any rate, what is it? Remember what happened the last time you snuck some Earthen junk onto the ship?"

"Yeah, I had to share." Senior sighed. He'd tried to sneak a bunch of Earthen candy and everything onto the Massive once. He'd WANTED to send it to his wife and children, Vortians, a grey-skinned race with goat-like horns and springy legs but the Tallest had caught him and he'd been forced to give up his candy to them. "It's just a book." He muttered. "It's not anything you'd be interested in, I mean, it's all in Latin."

"Hey, we're not **stupid**!" Purple insisted, giving Senior a glower as he folded his arms over his chest and glowered. "We've been learning Latin ourselves, y'know! We managed to find a crumbled-up translation key in the garbage while Red and I were in the cafeteria and looking for somebody to stick garbage duty on. We're pretty good at it now! So hand it over."

Senior sighed as he reached into his pocket and pulled it out, the Tallest examining the book, stopping at the picture of the dragon. "...myyyyyy myyyyyyyyy." Red whispered. "What is this creature?"

"They call it a "dragon", right?" Purple remarked, raising a nonexistent eyebrow up as he looked it over as he sniffed at the book's cover. "...YECH. I recognize that smell. This "leather" isn't "leather"! It's SKIN! Somebody's skin!"

Senior gagged in disgust, wiping his gloved hands on his shirt, cringing, sticking his long, wormlike tongue out of his mouth. "YECCCHH!"

"EW!"

"GROSS!"

"BLAUGH!" The other crew mates on the bridge all looked disgusted. But one of them, Dyte, an Elite Guard who wore thick armor and a metallic facial mask over her lower head much like Senior did, looked intrigued.

"How do you know what human skin smells like?" She quietly inquired.

Purple blushed again. "Well, um...we, uh...we get stuff off the black market too...Zim sent us up this really irritating kid with an overly cheery smile for an experiment and he said he wanted us to see him replace the kid's brain with a probe, so..."

"And that's what happened to my cranial cavity!" Nick remarked cheerily to the guidance counselor at school, who was projectile vomiting in the nearby bathroom. "The Tallest cooked and ate my brain with a light wine sauce! The red one kept calling me "Clariiiice" and laughing evilly, too. Purple only really "likes the skins" though, so he got to-"

"OH GOD PLEASE I'VE NOTHING LEFT TO THROW UP BUT MY NUTS-BLAAAAUHGGGKK!"

"We think we'll keep this." Red said with a laugh as he and Purple headed back for their room, looking over the book, leaving poor Senior and the crew to manage the bridge as they poured over the tome. Yes, it was bound in human skin, and older than the 18th century. There was an inscription faintly faded on the inside cover of the story that read **"Open not this book twixt dusk and dawn, lest you unleash the Devil's spawn."**

The book was indeed full of magical recipes and conjurations but the REQUIREMENTS were rather difficult. One of them, for example, to get a demon to give you three bags of gold, asked that you get fat melted from the hand of someone hanged upon a gibbet! You poured the fat into a salt circle and the demon would appear and drop off the bag of gold. You had to have the salt circle, or the demon would drag you down to Hell!

But of course, that picture of the dragon really drew their attention most of all. Those green scales, those long, bluish/black claws it had! It had a foul, wicked-looking set of black wings, scarlet filaments dangling from its head almost like seaweed, its eyes a bright yellow, with sickeningly dark red pupils. The thing squatted on a tiled floor of stone, jaws slightly agape, its expression rather ravenous despite looking like it had just eaten not that long ago. Behind the dragon laid the skulls, thirteen of them, all done with such detail it was creepy, and the discoloration on some of them clearly showed a few were older, others were not. The accuracy was creepy to the Tallest, though they'd seen plenty of dead bodies and the like and had no problem making others suffer, there was...just...something. Something about the picture that seemed eerily real and freakish.

"Let's study this." Red insisted. "There's gotta be a spell in here that we can try out."

The two stayed in their rooms, ordering dinner to be brought TO them as they kept pouring over the pages. About half an hour later, poor, beleaguered Senior was knocking on their door, a tray loaded up with food for the Tallest to enjoy. But...they didn't answer.

Senior had a creeping and unpleasant feeling rising in him. He gulped nervously, and then put the tray down, slowwwwwly opening up the door.

They were...gone. The room was an absolute wreck. Chairs had fallen over, the window that looked out at the expanse of space beyond had almost cracked open, the bookcase had fallen, the bed was torn up, the carpeting had big gashes in it, and...the Tallest's PAKs laid on the ground to the side, as if...spat casually out like watermelon seeds.

The book laid on the floor in the middle of it all.

Senior decided he was **not** going to pick the damn thing up tonight. He slammed the door shut and raced off, and he headed to bed, burying his face in his pillow, and trying very hard not to think about what had happened to the Tallest. Trying VERY hard and failing.

Come the next day, Senior spoke to the crew of the Massive. With the Tallest gone, HE was now the Tallest on the ship. And they needed to decide what to do. First order of business...

ZIM could have the stupid book. So they'd teleported it to his house, and the small, ruby-maroon-eyed Invader eagerly accepted the "gift" from his Tallest as Senior informed him that they'd have a long chat about the new state of things later. Still, Senior wasn't a cruel person. Even if he was furious with Zim for stupidly getting Tallest Miyuki and Spork killed, even if he thought Zim was a jerk, a selfish monster with an ego the size of a planet who'd gotten Senior's favorite boss, the woman he'd loved as dearly as a sister, killed...

"...look, Zim...don't...open that book between dusk and dawn on Earth. It's...what? 6 in the morning and 8 at night? Look at it at night, don't open it up any sooner." Senior said. "Just don't."

"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure!" Zim said in his rather loud voice, looking very certain of himself as he examined the book. It was a good thing it was already past dusk now. "I'll be fine!" He said as he looked over the picture of the dragon. "Oooh, that's one VERY nice dragon. I should make my own!"

"Yeah, quite a nasty-looking thing, huh? Sort of a lean, mean green eating machine." Senior confessed.

"Lot that "lean", really." Zim confessed as Senior gulped.

"...oh? Wh-what's it look like?"

"Well, he still looks hungry alright, though he's not thin or skinny. Kind of tubby a bit, yeah, bit of a bulge to his gut. And there's fifteen skulls in the back and the dragon also looks kind of...well, smug!" Zim laughed. "Sort of reminds me of myself!"

Senior looked very pale. "Uh...w-well, um...g-good luck! Bye!" He said, cutting the call off, as Zim was left alone with the book as he poured over it even more, grinning at the insides as the computer translated the Latin for him.

"Oooh, so I have to get fat from the hand of a man hung from a gibbet...computer! What's a gibbet? I need a gibbet!" Zim proclaimed dramatically.

Zim spent a good deal of the night reading through the book, eagerly imagining what sort of nasty stuff he could do and what he could summon. He _especially_ wanted to try out a spell within the book that involved 18th century German needlework. He'd insert the needles into spots on the filthy DIB'S body and it would summon a demon that would make him king of any land he wanted...complete with a fancy-looking crown too. GIR could keep the crown, his robotic servant liked shiny stuff.

The next morning, the sun bathing its rays through the window, Zim looked at the book. He had closed it three hours earlier, and he knew that he wasn't supposed to open it again, and he didn't carry a backpack he could stick the thing in. Plus, his pants pockets weren't big enough to hold the book. Still, he wanted to keep reading it...and more importantly, he wanted to capture Dib and show him in excruciating detail what he intended to do to the black, scythe-haired young lad. So he put the book down atop a nearby table, putting a glass of soda on top of the picture of the hungry dragon as he headed off for the laboratory, going to take the elevator in the toilet. "GIR! Go fetch me the Dib immediately! I must be ready for him!"

"Okeydokey!" GIR said, the little blue-eyed robot saluting cheerily and sauntering out the door, Zim rubbing his clawed, black-gloved hands together as he headed down into the laboratory as the rays of the sun filtered through the window and onto the table.

Thus, he didn't hear the crash of the glass as it fell off the floor a little while later.

...

...

...

...Dib was astounded to see what he saw when GIR brought his tied-up form to the house. There was broken glass all over, the tables had been ravaged along with the couch, tears and scratches and slashes all over the carpet and walls, and windows had been broken into chunks, and Zim's PAK laid to the side, as if it was a wad of trash just tossed to the side. GIR looked around in confusion, finally racing to the television, embedded in the wall as if tossed at something in a panic, and he began sobbing. "OH THE **HUMANITY!**" he cried out as Dib nervously gulped and then tried to speak up, to address Zim's computer system embedded in the house.

"What...happened?" He inquired as he finally wriggled free of the poorly-tied ropes he was stuck in.

But the computer was silent. Something had clearly damaged it. And...a book laid nearby. Dib looked it over, picking it up, cringing. Ugh, the thing was made of human skin and what was this picture? A dragon, and...wow. WOW, he looked smug. A jolly little fat beast, a grin on him from ear to ear. Dib glanced around the room, looking down at the book, and then at...the pile of skulls...in...the back of...

His eyes went wide. He slammed the book shut, and he took off his belt, wrapping it firmly around the book and he barreled out of the house, and headed off for a long-since abandoned house. He stuffed the book inside the decaying couch, ignoring the hissing cockroaches that laid all about, and the glasses-wearing young lad barreled out the door, not stopping to look back.

The house remained untouched for the next few weeks, and then, one night, a terrible storm happened. A bolt of lightning struck the house, and it went up in blazes, reduced to a heap of charred beams and powdery ashes.

People crowded all about the ravaged house, Dib included, as his eyes slowly widened behind his glasses, Professor Membrane and Gaz looking on, intrigued as well. His dad and sister could see something was VERY off...because what laid in the wreckage of the burned up house was a pile of skulls. Skulls not only of human origin, but of distinctly...something else. And not just those skulls, but a great amount of bones nearby that were more obscure in origin.

Professor Membrane immediately cordoned off the place and took claim over the spot. Nobody contested this. He was, after all, THE Professor Membrane. He took the bones to his laboratory for research and within a few days, and with Dib helping him, Dib occasionally giggling for some reason over one PARTICULAR skull indeed, snorting a bit as he held the skull up and made it "talk" in a high pitched, irritatingly arrogant voice, he made an announcement.

The skulls were, indeed, not all human. Some of them appeared to be...mutant. Some kind of mutant bug, an offshoot of the insect race that had gotten to human size. Thank goodness they were dead! Who knew what horrors they'd unleash if they ever met any unfortunate human, insects that size would destroy the whole world! Dib didn't seem to mind this, since he'd been the one to suggest that they were insectoid to begin with. In fact, he'd gotten even more praise from his father by suggesting he knew where they could find where the things were hanging out. Zim's house was picked clean within a day, and a VERY happy-looking Dib got to keep GIR and Zim's other robotic servant, Minimoose, for himself.

They didn't mind. After all, he had cable. And Dib got praise for having realized all along that his neighbor Zim was actually an EVIL MUTANT INSECT BENT ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Dib suggested that Zim and several other mutants had been gobbled up by a "superpredator" that had burnt alive within its lair inside the abandoned house, and there, but for the grace of god, went them.

They couldn't quite identify what the predator was though. Professor Membrane finally threw up his hands and suggested it was some kind of saber-toothed tiger, a leftover from an age long gone by that had eaten up quite a few people indeed. And based on the dental records, it had been all over the country! Thank goodness it was dead and gone.

But when Dib got a call from a frequent customer of his, someone who was happy to buy up Dib's recorded television shows like Mysterious Mysteries and the memorabilia it had, something wiped the smile off his face that had been there ever since that house had burned down.

"So...he's really gone?" Senior quietly asked.

"Yep! He's not only merely dead, he's really most sincerely dead!" Dib laughed as he sat at his desk, looking at his computer screen.

"I'm just glad that damn book is gone." Senior confessed, now sitting in the main chair of the bridge, on his way to the Tallest homeworld. There were gonna be some changes now that he was in charge! "It can't hurt anyone else."

"Do you know who wrote it?" Dib wanted to know. "Did you ever read enough of it to find that out?"

"No clue. But I'd keep your eye out just in case. Reach out to your contacts, and keep a look out, just in case-"

"In case what?" Dib asked, chuckling a bit. "The book's gone! That dragon's gone."

Senior looked at him, looking surprised. "Didn't you read the title?"

"No?"

"Recipes and Conjurations, Volume 1. VOLUME ONE, Dib."

Dib's face turned pale.


End file.
